5/9/2011
By ERIN MATHEWS Salina Journal

As her graduation day approaches, Salina Central High School senior Felicia Dimaplas has a big decision to make: Should she stay or should she go?

Her mother, who she lives with and who has always been a source of support, is moving back to Ohio to be near relatives. Her boyfriend, and the father of her 3-month-old daughter, lives in Salina.

Her relationship is at a pivotal point, she recognizes. Could she and her boyfriend maintain the three essential elements of a healthy relationship -- chemistry, friendship and commitment -- if they moved in together and stayed in Salina?

Or, should she move their baby several states away from her father? Is it possible he would agree to move with her to Ohio?

"These decisions are so real," said Diane Cusick, a leader of Love Notes, a relationship class Dimaplas and other high school-aged parents are taking at Salina South and Central high schools.

Over the years, Alison Littell and Cusick, family consultants with Heartland Programs, have led voluntary programs for young parents on topics ranging from drug abuse to food preparation. But they said they have discovered that the course material about ways to build and maintain healthy, long-term relationships has been the most universally needed.

"One thing we found as a thread through all these years is most of them had challenges with relationships," Cusick said.

The curriculum helps students to think things through, evaluating their current relationship or more clearly defining what they are looking for in a partner.

"It certainly isn't like we know all the answers," Cusick said. "We give support, and they arrive at the answers on their own."

For her part, Dimaplas said she has found the class "really helpful."

"It's really nice to know you're normal," she said. "I like listening to other people talk about their relationships. I feel like it's not all my fault. Other people are having trouble with relationships, too."

Dimaplas said she and her boyfriend had been best friends for four years and knew each other well before they started dating. She said when they became sexually active, she hadn't paid close enough attention to taking her birth control pills regularly. As a result, she became pregnant.

During her pregnancy, Dimaplas said, her boyfriend was supportive, but they've had a more difficult time since their daughter was born.

"Would it be fair to say both of you didn't understand what it was all going to mean when you had a baby?" Cusick asked her.

Dimaplas agreed.

Littell said some of the high school couples stay together, are equally committed and love their child, but raising a baby at that young age is still a lot of work.

"Most of them are still living in their parents' house and trying to figure out how this young man fits into the picture," she said. "The boy's family may have a whole different set of rules and they may not know each other very well."

Cusick and Littell said they hope they are "planting seeds" that will lead to future relationship success for their students, making them better parents and more productive members of society.

"That's one thing about the work we do, we never know for sure what the outcome will be," Cusick said. "We hope they use it."

Some of the students did not have a healthy role model in their parents' relationship to guide them, and after unhappy early experiences of their own have lowered expectations. For them, the curriculum that encourages conscious decision-making about whether to become intimate and sets expectations higher for a potential life partner seems unattainable.

"We had one girl say, 'This is just a fairy tale. This can't happen. This isn't true,' " Littell said.

"She's not the only one who at 16 or 17 years old has a pretty dark image of relationships," Cusick added.

Cusick and Littell said they have enjoyed working with the group of teen moms -- and a few dads.

"They're very courageous and willing to learn," Littell said. "This group is hard-working and dedicated. They can be who they are without getting absorbed in all the roles they have to play."

This school year was Littell's last, however. She recently accepted a new position as provider services manager for ERC Resource & Referral, a child care referral agency.

Many would say the teens put the cart before the horse. Discussions about what makes a good relationship and what they want out of a relationship are coming after they've already made choices that made them parents.

Some of the students became parents by becoming physically intimate before they knew their partner well, using sex as a first contact and then trying to establish a relationship after the fact.

"There are a lot of media and music images of sex without consequences, but that's not the reality," Littell said.

That's true for people of all ages, other relationship counselors agreed. Gaining and maintaining a healthy relationship can be a struggle for people much older than teenagers, and many haven't figured out sex is not a good starting place, said Marie Frost, owner of Comprehensive Counseling, 204 S. Santa Fe, Suite 2.

"Don't start with sex and then expect to figure it out," Frost said. "That's too invasive too soon."

Frost says a lot of struggling couples who come for counseling have already called their attorneys and are using couple's therapy as a "Hail Mary" effort of last resort.

"I wish we could get to people before they get to us," she said. "We would actually have some who take our advice. We coach here, with the idea that it's going to work. We give people techniques and strategies. We give you tools that will last through your whole married life."

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