12/9/2009

By TIM UNRUH

Salina Journal

When Tammy Garner left home for the first of two tours in Iraq, her sons Tyler and Cody were 12 and 7, respectively.

In her first 18 months overseas with the Salina-based 108th Aviation unit of the Kansas Air National Guard, Garner turned over charge of the household to her husband, Shane. It was a complete role reversal for the couple.

"It was really difficult. I am the one who cleans the house, the disciplinarian," she said.

Shane doesn't possess the same authoritative traits, she said, and they differ on parenting styles. "He's a lot more lax than I am. Without me there, I felt like things weren't getting done," Tammy said.

"Her idea of clean and my idea of clean are like night and day," Shane said.

Tammy missed birthdays, anniversaries and other key moments in family life, while serving in Iraq.

"I've missed out on a lot," she said. "When I left, Tyler was Cody's age, and they were into friends. I come back and (Tyler's) driving. He has a girlfriend." Now that she's back -- essentially 3 1âÑ2 years removed from her family after both Iraq tours and a stint working for the Guard in Topeka, Sgt. First Class Garner is working back into the role of mom, reassuming command of the household.

"We're going through the growing pains of me taking over. I don't know if it'll ever be back to the way it was," Tammy said. "You don't ever get back to where you were. It's a new everything."

Cody, 11, a fifth-grader at Coronado Elementary School, missed his mother while she was away. The best thing about her being home is a marked improvement in his grades.

"She actually makes me do my homework," Cody said.

With mom out of the house, Tyler said he assumed the role of parent, especially when his father was at work. "Me and my dad had to do everything around the house," said Tyler, 16, a sophomore at Salina South High School. "It's easier now, other than she gets onto me about my grades, because my dad wouldn't," Tyler said. "My mom makes sure we have everything all clean."

Independent of each other

The Garners' situation is common in the military, said the Rev. John Potter, of Topeka, the Guard's full-time support chaplain. He works in the Guard's reintegration program to help soldiers, their families or significant others adjust to life before, during and after military deployment.

A military family life consultant and director of psychological help are also part of the team.

"The primary thing that couples will have to deal with would be just the independence of one another," said Potter, an ordained minister with the Evangelical Friends Church.

"A soldier becomes more selfreliant, more independent, when

he or she goes downrange," he said. "That also happens at home for a mother or father, when the person essentially becomes a single parent as the soldier deploys."

While functioning alone, the single parent doesn't have to get advice in setting or changing house rules, what color to repaint a bedroom, Potter said.

Two people who are partners become "two very independent

people who will come together once a deployment has completed, and that can create some friction," he said.

It's your new family

The soldier becomes "very tight or invested with his or her unit. That becomes their new

social network," Potter said. "They become your new family. It becomes difficult to leave these

people who have had your back, saved your life, helped save your life. Those are the people who

have kept you alive."

On that level, coming home is difficult, Potter said.

"In some ways, you're mourning that your military family is no longer with you, and you now

have to reconnect with your blood family and separate with your Army family," he said.

When Tammy Garner deployed in March 2006, the Garners

were living in Salina. When she returned from Iraq in September 2007, Shane and the boys moved

to Meno, Okla. Tammy went to work for the Guard in Topeka.

In November 2008, she was promoted to sergeant 1st Class and

transferred to the 287th Special Troops Battalion.

Tammy returned to Iraq in January 2009, and returned home again in September. During that stint, her family moved back to Salina. Today, Tammy, 38, works for the 287th in Hays, commuting from Salina.

The Resiliency Program

Shane, 47, is retired from the military and is working at Tony's Pizza and the Cozy Inn restaurant.

His understanding of the process has been a plus, Tammy said.

"I feel like we have it under control," she said.

The couple has enjoyed help from the reintegration program.

other families, see what their frustrations are. You find you pretty much have the same problems," Tammy Garner said. "You discuss a lot. It's like a group therapy type of thing, and it's really good."

The Guard has evolved over the years to include much more preparatory training through its Resiliency Program, said Kansas Adjutant General Tod Bunting.

"We talk to our warriors and their families, and say bad things are going to happen. Let's inoculate you in advance of those things," he said.

The program teaches troops and their loved ones to look for signs that things are not right.

It's normal to sleep and recover after an event, Bunting said, but "uncontrollable fear, where you can't function" is not normal.

Families learn about technology that's available to keep them connected while the soldier is away. Computers, Web cams and advances in telephone service have improved communication.

Many services are operated by the U.S. Department of Defense Military OneSource Web site.

The Guard has an information and referral specialist in Wichita, Michelle Williams, to handle phone calls from soldiers and families.

"She matches problems with solutions," said Lt. Col. Tony Divish, of Wamego, commander of the 287th Special Troops Battalion, based in Hays.

His face just melted

"I think they're taking their lessons learned seriously," said Maj. Erica Christie, 42, of Wamego. She is a human resources officer for the 287th.

Her issues were unique, having served with the 287th in Iraq with her husband, Rick Christie, 53. There were among eight married couples deployed with the unit between November 2008 and September, but the Christies were the only ones who left a child behind. Jacob Christie was 13 when his parents left. He stayed with an adult sister, Amanda McCoy, living in Wamego.

"I almost can't describe the empty, hollow feeling. Jake was so supportive. He said 'I'll be fine.' " Erica Christie said.

"When we got on the plane, his face, it just melted. He just crumbled and started crying," she said. "He said 'You guys have a job to do. Don't worry about me.' "

Their son and other family adjusted and used technology to stay in touch. During the year, Jacob broke his arm in a bicycle wreck, but his parents weren't informed until three days later.

"By that time, they were laughing and joking and people were signing his cast," Erica Christie said. "We were on the Web cam. I could see his face. I was OK."

Battle buddy anxiety

Throughout their deployment, the Christies were "battle buddies," and grew closer as a couple. While there was no separation, coming home had its own set of problems.

There were the normal adjustments, such has having a bathroom in their home. The shower trailer in Iraq was 143 steps from the couple's combat housing unit in Iraq.

"I had to get used to cooking again. It took a whole week before we could relax," Erica Christie said. "We didn't want to go anywhere and see anybody. We were like hermits for a couple of weeks."

When the Christies did step out in Wamego, separation anxiety set in.

"All of a sudden, I'm not seeing my battle buddy all day and all night. He's got friends. I've got friends," Erica Christie said. "We did everything together."

Now, their children, friends and neighbors compete for their time.

"That was an adjustment to get used to," Erica Christie said.

There is no cookie cutter approach to the issues.

"The Army started prepping us a year out. Three months out, they said here's how you can keep in contact with them," Erica Christie said.

There was a unit newsletter with news from home.

"They went to great lengths to make sure they were prepared, and we've had multiple phone calls since we got home," Erica Christie said.

Temptation of alcohol

While there are common problems with soldiers and families, some are different, Potter said, and others are severe.

There is no alcohol in a combat zone, he said, but when you get home it's "readily available." That temptation can be too much for a few returning soldiers.

"If I'm fighting with my spouse because she or he is more independent, and I only trust my Army buddies, some are going to go to the bar a little more and may abuse alcohol," he said. "That's part of the ugly side. Instead of a happy homecoming, now a family may have an alcoholic at home."

The Guard offers an optional reintegration event 30 days after homecoming. A required gathering is 60 days after leaving.

"It's going to go into depth about some of the problems," Potter said.

Those may include being closer to your military family than your "blood family," the deployment, being in the combat zone, memories of events that occurred overseas, such as the loss of a soldier, or taking enemy fire.

"We talk about common reactions," Potter said. "You can't just flip a switch when a person comes home and returns to civilian lifestyle."

Most are able to adjust, he said, if they can grasp the concept of a "new normal" that has developed.

"I have changed from my deployment. My wife has changed," Potter said. "We have to move forward and have a new normal in our relationship."

'You've changed'

Life is not going back to the way it was, Bunting said.

"You can't walk in the door and expect everything to reset. You've changed," Bunting said. "The goal for the family is to be even stronger as opposed to a family that falls apart."

For some, there are more serious reactions to military service, such as becoming suicidal or suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. There is more intense treatment available through the Veterans Administration and Military One Source, Potter said.

Overall, the Guard and military are paying attention to much more than the battlefield these days, Divish said, showing concern for the well being of troops, their spouses and children.

"You enlist a soldier and you retain a family," Divish said. "You get the spouse or significant other on board, supporting the soldier, and you've got a healthy soldier."

It's common for deployed troops to say that even though they were in a "tough place," their family had a more difficult time, Bunting said.

"We really have been working hard to reintegrate soldiers back into their families and jobs," Bunting said, "as opposed to getting back from Vietnam, getting off the plane, and they say 'There you go, live long and prosper.' "

n Reporter Tim Unruh can be reached at 822-1419 or by e-mail at tunruh@salina.com.

---

Discuss This Story:

---